So much is discussed about how Autism effects the child and the various signs but I think sometimes the parents are left out of what happens to them after the child is diagnosed so I will share with you how it effected me.
When we found out about William being diagnosed I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and I cried , I raged, I asked why me? What did I do that my child had to suffer with something there was no cure for? Am I a bad mother? After this there was some time for a while it was sinking into my brain and settling into my soul that I had an autistic child and this was my, my husband's and my families life now.
I then just stopped caring , caring about me , how clean my house was, if the laundry got done, and other little chores that "good" mom's do all day while their husbands are at work. Then I went into the opposite direction and was "robot" mom and went through the motions of doing wash , mopping floors , cooking dinner and just taking care of all these little things still not caring about Dana.
Before I knew it time had went by and several numbers on the scale as well and it soon came upon me that I no longer fit into anything in my closet and I had gained weight and no longer looked or felt like myself anymore and that I had been having a huge pity party for myself. Why shouldn't I? I was the mother of an Autistic child and I was suffering too wasn't I?
It was time to stop the pity party and get me back and start caring about myself again as even though I had done all the right things by my family and William I wasn't doing the right things by myself and I had gotten into a depression and uncaring cycle of abuse upon myself. Crying for reasons unknown to anyone, feeling tired all the time, wearing sweat pants and large sweat shirts everyday all day long. These were not the acts of an emotionally stable person so I did what most people I went to therapy.
Therapy is good at times you can express yourself , talk to a a neutral third party, and feel better after your 30-45 minutes are over. You walk out refreshed and feeling better like a weight is lifted off your chest , there is a spring back in your step and sometimes you can even catch yourself whistling a tune. Until you walk back into the nightmare that is your life and then it is gone as fast as it came to you.
So , back at square one I gave up therapy as it helped until I got home and William was throwing a fit, the twins were crying, the teens needed dinner , and the husband wanted to know whatever.I floated along for a while again until one day my "fat" pants were getting tight on me, and I got angry! Angry at myself, at Autism for coming into our lives , and at whatever made me this fat . Right then and there I vowed to lose this Autism blubber and get back to me again.
I am happy to report at this posting I have lost 22lbs and am 10lbs away from where I was before Autism barged down my down, sat on my couch , put its feet up and decided to stay awhile.
This is how Autism effected me and me alone and everyone if different and it effects everyone when they find out their child is Autistic in different ways. Maybe people will see this as weak,maybe some will see it as stupid or self pitying. I see it as a strong women who was lost for a while but is strong enough to see it and fought to come back.
No comments:
Post a Comment